It isn’t the issue that’s the issue, but how you relate to it that’s the issue.
How many times have you made yourself wrong for getting upset? We all do it; we were taught to do it. Being upset (angry, sad, vengeful, defensive, denying, you name it) is wrong, even if we call it justified. Somebody is to blame.
What if we’ve got it all wrong? What if it’s okay to be upset? What if it’s not the upset that’s the problem, but the way we handle it that’s the problem? What if we could do something to help resolve the issue instead of venting our frustration on ourselves or someone else? Well, we can, and I’d like to share with you a way to do that.
First, Take Care of Yourself
Give yourself some love. Allow yourself to use your upset for your spiritual and emotional growth.
For example, if you are angry with someone or they with you, instead of getting into an argument about it, arrange for time out to cool off. Then, find a way to vent your frustration without involving the other person such as pounding on or yelling into a pillow, breathing deeply, or going for a run or a walk. Choose an activity that will help you cool down.
Next, think about blame. Each of you may be blaming the other, or you could be blaming yourself, the system, or something else. Put that aside because there’s no resolution with blaming. You have a right to your point of view, and so does the other person.
Take time to find a quiet place where you can relax and focus on your breathing. Tune into your heart center and allow the loving energy there to wash over you. Take a few minutes to absorb this peaceful energy.
When you feel calm and centered, consider the situation in question. This is not the time to think about what the other person should do. Instead, think about how their behavior affects you so you can share that with them. This takes pressure off them and puts attention on you. For example, “When you do/say _______, I feel/think _______.” The point is to let them know how their communication is affecting you. Talking about yourself is about taking responsibility for your perception, not about judging them. And it encourages them to talk about their feelings instead of attacking you.
Next, Take Care of the Other Person
After you have had this conference with yourself, make an appointment to get together with the other person. Prepare to give them all the time they need to express their point of view after you have shared your concerns with them.
Taking Out Your Head Trash*
Nobody likes confrontation. Many of us have emotional issues that prevent us from expressing ourselves in difficult situations because we haven’t been taught how to constructively handle conflict. If you are afraid of confrontation, or have any other issues with expressing your point of view, please refer to article number 5 in this series, where you will find the I Am Transformation. Use it to clear any issues you have with confrontation and expressing your true feelings before you meet with the other person.
This is a simple conflict resolution process, but it’s not easy for many. Handling conflict is a challenge, and you may stumble at first. But you will become comfortable and confident with it if you keep practicing. Be patient with yourself as you are learning and enjoy the inner freedom you will experience as you let go of those old, worn-out issues.
*Noah St. John
Live your purpose, love your life.
Waking Up 